The Man of Steel is lying to himself.

Hey, have you seen The Internship? For a 90-minute Google commercial starring the Wedding Crashers, it’s not terrible. Owen Wilson may be caught in a one-note bear trap of his own creation, but that Vince Vaughn sure is tall. And talk about chemistry! Oh, Maude—

You can skip Superman, though; that em-effer is longer than a CVS receipt. The dialogue has the punchy pacing of a Twilight movie, the cinematography fairly leaps off the screen with a Bergman-esque sparkle, and the plot? Up yours, Altman!

The only payoff is the awesomeness of a Hallmark-caliber rom-com wisecrack as hundreds of thousands of people lie dead and dying in the urban wreckage aftermath of a superhero squabble, in which two assholes literally destroyed a city fighting each other. Which is really when you should go for getting a giggle out of your leading lady. That way, when you come off so angsty after actually killing the bad guy, your “humanity” will not be an issue.

Oh, Superman, are you sad because you killed a dude on purpose? Don’t look back at the suckers who were in all those buildings you knocked down on top of all those other people while you were duking it out with the poor old bad guy you killed; it’ll only make your neck muscles tenser. Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan can hold my balls.

That said (spoiler alert)—best off-to-the-bathroom line in movies, ever:

“Theora, take command. I have to go secure the Genesis Chamber.”

Works exceptionally well; I used it just this morning.

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