An Open Letter of Envy and Reluctant Admiration

dream forever live never

To the Woman in the Produce Section Who is Slowly, Carefully Picking Out Her String Beans One by One:

Oh, dear heart—if I had your capacity to focus so precisely on so mundane a task, without finding myself bored to the point of fury within the first fifteen seconds, I could gather all the pills I take for my ADDs and pitch them to the four winds.

If I had that—you fantastic creature—along with your ability to apply such clearly heartfelt dedication to the profoundly trivial, this blog would soon overflow the internet.

And if I had those things—my treasure—and, too, the free time it takes to do what you are doing—oh, sweet mercy! I would be utterly, literally and so, so joyously unmotherfuckingstoppable!

Thank you, apparition of pasts and futures unspeakable, for giving me a glimpse of the man I could have been; and may, one day, yet still be. I will carry your memory with me until my ultimate breath—and speak of you to the angels.


Notes on developing an exploded view of Steve McQueen.

… for an indie mag illustration, March 2008.

• A heart that doesn’t pump blood, but instead punches it through the veins. This also toughens up the blood.

• Lungs that cause cancer in cigarettes.

• When he speaks to women, they hear themselves coming. When women speak to him, he doesn’t hear anything at all.

• A pocket full of your girlfriend’s panties. And her sister’s. And your sister’s. And yours, Jerry.

• Carries an FBI badge, indicating that he is a government-authorized Female Body Inspector. Has never had to display it.

• Tried wearing glasses to look less macho, but they kept focusing his vision into laser beams.

• Can walk on water. Can’t be bothered to.

• Stands seven feet tall, except when he’s angry. When he’s angry, he’s running.

• Has a callus on his trigger finger, and on the part of his brain that doesn’t give a fuck.

• Has never run away from a fight; unless it was to a better fight.

• Kidneys turn beer to wine, wine to whiskey and whiskey to black tar heroin. Water passes through unaffected. White wine is turned away at the door. Urine is 100% proof that Darwin was right.

• A waiter in Decatur, IL, still has a cocktail umbrella fully embedded in his thigh. When it rains, he feels McQueen’s fist clench his heart.

• His leather jacket isn’t a leather jacket. It’s an outer epidermal layer naturally produced by his body. Every month he sheds it and a fresh new one takes its place. Once, a teenager tried to put on an old one; the skin jacket pulled him bodily to the nearest jail.

• Can fly, but uses a motorcycle because flying is for the fucking birds.

• When Evel Kneivel explodes, Three Mile Island goes limp.

• Remembers everything he has ever experienced, from the number of grains of salt on his pretzel at lunch to shooting the other sperm who were trying to get to the egg.

• Can read the minds of anyone in the room with him. Has yet to find it worth his time.

Note: I am aware of the whole Chuck Norris “Chuck Norris” thing; none of these items are from that shit. This is all strictly off the dome, yo (and, I might add, on the clock).

Let me know if any of these work. Looking forward to your visuals.