THEE OH SEES: ARE EYE PEE (ELL OH ELL JAY KAY)

big band style

Okay, guys, I hope you are sitting down. Ready? Thee Oh Sees are not breaking up, but are going on hiatus. Wait wait wait! It’s okay, guys—they are not breaking up! They are just going on hiatus.

Look, Pitchfork has run it all down for you guys, guys. So, look: Thee Oh Sees are going on hiatus. But they are not breaking up. They will have a new album out in Q1 2014, gang. But the main dude and the singer chick are moving out of San Francisco!! So that’s a factor. And to different places!! But to other Californian locales. So that’s a factor, too.

But seriously, gang, let’s keep this all in perspective. It’s not the end of the world. The Oh Sees are not breaking up. They are just going on hiatus.

To be clear, let me quote the main Dwyer guy, who writes in all capital letters, which must mean something: “THIS IS JUST A WELL DESERVED BREAK,” he said to the internet, “AND A TRANSITIONAL PERIOD.”

I WAS VERY RELIEVED TO READ THAT, I MUST SAY!!

Annie Southworth, who is the booking agent for The Oh Sees, is quoted in a newspaper as saying the following words in a row: “They need a break after five years straight, so yes… hiatus time. Will be a little hard to continue with all the different locales so who knows what is going to happen… Cross fingers, we all are that it’s not completely over.”

CROSS FINGERS, WE ALL ARE!!

And Stereogum continues her quote, informing us that other factors are germane to the membrane, as regards the main Dwyer guy: “He’s been living in the Mission on 17th and Valencia, and watching that neighborhood as well as the city transform has been enough for him. He’s over it.”

OVER IT?

OVER IT?!

OH GOD THEE OH CEES

PLEASE

SAY IT’S NOT COMPLETELY OVER

PLEASE

SAY YOU WILL CONTINUE GARAGE ROCKING FOR OUR PITCHFORKS

PLEASE

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE WHITE DUDE ROCKERS IN THE WORLD

FOR OUR STEREOGUMBALLS AND OUR DUDES

PLEASE

FIND A NEW NEIGHBORHOOD THAT YOU ARE NOT OVER

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

OKAY

OKAY

BREATHE

Okay.

Listen, guys:

Thee Oh Sees are going on hiatus. But they are not breaking up.

Goodnight, sweet prince Dwyer guy.

May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest; until, like, whenever.

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Poptimism in the truest, most graspingly desperate sense of the (made-up, hilarious) word.

hearting u 4 evs

Wow, Pitchfork; so, in the new world, do we really have to dig under Nickelodeon spinoff sitcom rocks to find the debuts of future pop starlet also-rans so that we can give them a 6 out of 10 next to music made by (and ostensibly for) grown-ups?

Apparently, we do.

Well, all right! Hell, let’s crack open the Night Train and get it over with! My friends; my good, good friends: Here’s to comparing Carly Rae Jepsen to—well, to anything in the world, out of haplessly ambitious ass-coverage and sheer desperation.

It’s okay, Pitchfork. The last ten years haven’t been a colossal waste of time—they’ve just been an exercise in discovering just how far down this thing can go.

…And here we are. See you on the other side!

P.S.: Just kidding; see you at “South By.” We’ll be the ones in the party tent rocking glow-in-the-dark label promo gear and doing shots!