Numbers and/or Hips


The Top 40 Pop/Dance Starlet Stats: Pitchfork edition


Young, attractive R&B/dance-pop singer with savvy choices in production talent [Neptunes, Timbaland, etc.]

Number of Rihanna albums reviewed by Pitchfork: 5

Average rating: 6.3

Highest: 7.6

Lowest: 4.5


Britney Spears
Young, attractive dance-pop/R&B singer with savvy choices in production talent [Neptunes, Timbaland, etc.]

Number of Britney Spears albums reviewed by Pitchfork: 0


Ariana Grande
Former children’s sitcom actress turned dance-pop music and video starlet

Number of Ariana Grande albums reviewed by Pitchfork: 2

The first one, in which we establish a Nickelodeon alumnus as a viable commercial/critical presence: 6.5

The new one, which features a host of Pitchfork-friendly collaborators: 7.7


Miley Cyrus
Former children’s sitcom actress turned dance-pop music and video starlet

Number of Miley Cyrus albums reviewed by Pitchfork: 0


Final Tally: Pitchfork
In which the numbers all add up to something

Selective application of vaguely-defined “poptimism”: check

Aesthetic integrity and/or clarity of mission or critical perspective: n/a


Making pop a threat again LOLz J/K FU

Thanks for enjoying/tolerating/encouraging my ginfused rambling. Trust me, the world would be so much better if I were running things. Taylor Swift, for reals? Is this somehow not the Debbie Gibson of the double-zeros? Is there a reason to be paying attention to her, beyond the odd album review or an interview in Cosmo? I mean, I know she, like, somehow writes her own songs, astoundingly, but did I miss the part where she’s not a spankin’ hott teenage hottie?*

Staunchly credible Oliver Wang, did you seriously write the words “surprisingly little thematic or musical range on Jepsen’s full-length album, Kiss”? Do you know what the word “surprisingly” means? Do you know what the words “one” “hit” and/or “wonder” mean? Do you know what the word “product” means?

Sasha Frere-Jones, did you for-real write a New Yorker piece on how Rihanna doesn’t seem to, you know, give much of a rat’s ass about, like, stuff, and expect me to not be GROSSED OUT and want my three pages back?


I just—I mean, this is exhausting.

“And so on.” — Thirstin Howl III

“Anyway, onward.” — Mort Sahl

Now, where’s that boy with my mai tais?

* I know her label didn’t; I kind of thought grownups might, though. I mean, sure, Kanye West didn’t seem to notice, but that’s all part of growing up, right?